i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
