His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
