Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
