I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
