i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
