That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize