i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Did you pee in the oven last night??
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
