I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
