Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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