be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
