dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
