Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize