if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Quick, to the slutcave!
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
