it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
