I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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