Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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