I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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