i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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