Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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