so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
