I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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