I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
