i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
