For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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