I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Randomize
