What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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