I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
