i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
