I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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