her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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