I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
