It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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