So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
They took my balls.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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