Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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