I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
