I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
