Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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