I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
