she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
