Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
