The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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