I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
