Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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