11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
