no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
