oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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