I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
