Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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