4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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