shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
