Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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