just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
