it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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