Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
