have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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