just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
