No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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