Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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