Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
