he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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