i just google imaged poop.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
