Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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