It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize