Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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