I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
