Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
