im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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