I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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