well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
