His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
